Monday, September 26, 2005

Return of Midnight

I originally set this blog up on the advent of my trip to Tokyo, and back home to New York, where I hoped to find some sort of, I don't know, Zen enlightenment. I was going to attain this through traveling by myself, on an exodus from my imprisonment on the Island of Saipan. I was going to find something-I told myself-that would fill in missing gaps of my existence. It was going to be exciting, and adventurous, and I was going to meet interesting people and so forth.

Well, not two days into the trip I found a loneliness that I couldn't shake. Tokyo is good at doing one thing: making one feel alone. Especially a Gaijin, who cannot make meaningful conversation with 90% of the people in Japan, strictly because of the language barrier.

I enjoyed myself for a day, but then I felt an inextricable longing for my life I left behind temporarily, for my girlfriend and dog, and for my little island. All the things I felt were in some way holding me back from something better, or greater, were in fact propping me up.

In some way, I believe my point is that I strove to find out what I would find once alone in the world, and I found loneliness. The equation seems simple, but it is far from logical. We spend our entire lives trying to break free of some codependent dynamic. At least I did. It was always family or relationships that kept me-I thought-hindered in some way. Some way that left me without a prolific sense of self.

But as soon as you are truly out alone, you remember all the times you were alone before. The times in between the times where you were being smothered by people who loved you. You remember the times you forgot about because you were too busy being persecuted by those who show you too much affection.

I realize now, like the ebb and flow of daylight and moonlight, one should find company and solace at different points. Striking a balance between gregariousness and solitude is important. I'm not telling anyone this because I believe they don't already know it- I am saying it because now I know it.